july 19 2000
so on the front page of kneejerk yesterday, i made some offhand comment, which if you read me as regularly as you should is no surprise. arrogance breeds flippancy, and the following vicious cycle: shoot my mouth off, ignore the slight repercussions, move on, repeat.
but then today i got an e-mail that caught me totally off-guard. i don't mind letting the veneer crack for a second to admit this; just don't tell anyone or i'll find you and do thuggish things to the strains of beethoven's ninth. oh, yes, and then me droogs will come in real horrorshow-like and do other things that sound like gibberish but are really part of an impressively comprehensive argot derived from russian.
so, yeah, so i got this e-mail. i've taken the liberty of reprinting it in its unexpurgated form here, simply because i'm astounded that someone would take the time to compose something like this. i mean, sure i take the time to compose things like this--every day--but it's only because i'd do anything to brighten your lives. anything. well, not anything, but a whole lot. what gets me about this is, of course, the anonymity. but enough blather; here's the manifesto.
from: Zorblatron Representative
to: proven@kneejerk.net
subject: Zorblatron's Defense
Dear Proven Self,
For some months now, we have been reading your Web site.
In that time, you have become something of a celebrity on Zorblatron. We love your rambling, metaphysical, culturally reflective preambles; we adore the bizarre, vice-strewn, somehow folksy characters, major and minor, with whom you find yourself interacting, we are fascinated by your anthropomorphized consciousnesses and body parts, we are enthralled by the rich landscape of association that the most minor of incidents, to your mind, unfurls, we marvel at your boldness in yoking together the highest of concepts with the lowest of your popular culture, and we cackle unceasingly at your puns. Our young men have taken to shaving their heads (we, like you, have one large head apiece) and speaking into microphones during our leisure time. Our young women have committed themselves to attaining a level of juiciness that has, frankly, stimulated our entire economy. And our old coots, of which group I am pleased to be a part, are a newly treasured segment of the population; at our feet we find groups of young people waiting to be regaled by our crusty, curmudgeonly, but secretly warmhearted tales. Your habit of slathering ordinary experiences with layer upon layer of adjective-riddled prose has changed our everyday lives.
Imagine, then, our shock and horror today upon reading:
"proven self should lead the earth rebellion against the zorblatrons"
We are a peaceful, gentle, grateful, hipsterish people. Please do not wage war upon us. Though some of us live among you on Earth, they live unobtrusively and productively, in out-of-the-way places, reading decent magazines and current fiction. I beg you to use whatever influence you possess to dissuate Earth's rebel forces from persecuting, oppressing, and above all, invading, for the purposes of claiming our freedom, the planet of Zorblatron.
From the psychological, emotional, and even spiritual tragedy for us that is your mulling of an offer to take up arms against us, the quiet, earnest, amply-domed citizens of Zorblatron will not soon recover. But we would sooner begin now to recover our old, emptier ways, than to recover later after a full scale military invasion.
With deep regret,
Zorblatronus-Hooole III
Zorblatron Representative
so there you have it. rest assured, my zorblatron bredren and sistren, i would never take action to harm you in the slightest. how could i hurt anyone who stokes my ego so? i couldn't, that's how.
to recap: droogs coming in real horrorshow-like. rambling, metaphysical, culturally reflective preambles. i love you, zorblatronus hooole III. thank you.
p.
and yo. my full-on venture kneejerk.net is up and running, though not nearly full. go and getcha read on. for me.
props to darkcounter.com
and sitemeter