late april 25 2000
it's late. i was at work late. i wasn't really doing anything, but i couldn't leave because we were closing the magazine. so i got home late, and a friend made me macaroni and cheese with too much skim milk and not enough ersatz butter. it was really less macaroni and cheese than it was macaroni in calcium-enriched cheezy (the z is for prezervatives) kool-aid. which, as you can well imagine, was disappointing. unless you buy cheezy kool-aid, in which case that's a damn shame.
all this bitching is to justify my lack of pithy insight tonight. instead, i want you all to come close. closer. statuesque brunettes, you can hop up on my knee. gather 'round. now: who's up for a good ol' snap-neckin' round of "joe harvey as"?
i thought so.
so. you want to be a "joe harvey as" expert. well, it ain't hard, kid. follow these three (3) easy steps and you too can dazzle your friends with your nimble "joe harvey as" tactics. if you can master this in tandem with "milkman dan," you'll be a force to be reckoned with, believe you me. belieeeeeve you me. fellow partygoers will be tripping over themselves to hear your skills. or maybe they'll be racing for the black bean dip, but who really cares.
1) assume the voice of a tv-movie announcer. booming baritone, strange not-quite-midwestern inflection, the whole nine. if it helps, think don pardo without the $3,000-a-week blow habit.
2) choose a role. this is key, for the role is the very crux of "joe harvey as." think of something--anything--that a person could be, but especially what a person could not be. possible options are: foodstuffs, concepts of science, ailments. you get the idea. it's fine if these abstract things have human modifications. in fact, all the better.
3) imagine that joe harvey is an actor. a struggling actor. a struggling actor who's finally gotten his big break on some lurid cbs not-without-my-daughter crapfest.
now, just put it together:
(all of these are, of course, in the tv-movie announcer voice as per #1)
"starring joe harvey as acute bursitis."
"with special guest joe harvey as the oort cloud."
"joe harvey as a clandestine lap dance"
"introducing joe harvey as dr. floppy, the clown prince of laser surgery!"
"and, of course, joe harvey as vague discomfort."
advanced players, you may want to go that extra step and create the name of the tv-movie as well.
"and now, the conclusion of i told you it wasn't a rash--starring joe harvey as the ineffectual ointment."
you get the idea.
good luck!
oh, before i forget. picks and pans.
pick: this crazy bastard's site. and no, it's not just because he linked to me. okay, maybe it is. but not really. it's funny. and strange. and he does light irrigation, whatever that means.
additional pick: any and all of you people who have reacted to my unfiltered id with kindness and thinly-veiled menace. love me, and i'll love you right back. feel me? oh, and to mike jamieson and this broad for reminding me that milkman dan is a proud creation of red meat.
pans: wyclef's new joint. what the feedock is this dirty south ripoff production? go listen to some anti-pop consortium and think about what could have been, wyclef.
to recap: statuesque brunettes. ineffectual ointment. thank you.
p.
ps. those coney island photos are not by me. they are by my friend steve.
and yo. my full-on venture kneejerk.net is up and running, though not nearly full. go and getcha read on. for me.
props to darkcounter.com
and sitemeter