june 27 2000
i know i wasn't there when they came for you. and i'm sorry.
i never saw you cry.
i saw you pull out bits of your stubble, though, before the rest fell out.
and laugh. i saw you laugh a lot. heard it, too.
and when you were sleeping, which was a lot, i looked through the list.
it was typed on that manual piece of crap, with x's through the typos and the things underneath the x's that could only have been written by you.
never fall for your friend's girl.
you were pedantic and you listened to too damn much bob dylan.
i never liked bob dylan.
which is fine, because you always made fun of hip-hop.
sacred cows, sacred cows.
and you did a lot of gross things with food.
really. just unpleasant.
not that i'd trade that.
you were happy when you found out. said it saved you.
like taking a break for, well, it, would impose an order on where you'd been going.
and that it would bring people back together.
which it did. because we all thought but never said that if we made up then you wouldn't leave. like children of divorce.
don't go, we're happy. see?
we're happy.
the thing is, i know you're laughing at me right now.
what's he doing? i told them to smile when they thought about it.
i do, though.
when i was looking out at second avenue yesterday i heard your voice, and i knew what day it was, and i smiled back. up.
whatever direction you're watching from.
and i'll be goddamned if i'm not tearing up for the first time in a year and a day.
s. said it felt like just yesterday, and i said "it feels like a lot longer than that."
but what i was thinking was
"it feels like it hasn't happened at all."
i mean, what am i supposed to think?
one day you sleep in my bed in washington,
and the next time i see you you're in a bed that's tightening around you.
and you're smiling. with your typewriter on the tray.
and the next time i see you.
there is no next time.
and i'm sorry i wasn't there when they came.
if it helps, i say good-bye a lot.
p.
and yo. my full-on venture kneejerk.net is up and running, though not nearly full. go and getcha read on. for me.
props to darkcounter.com
and sitemeter