september 9 2000
the proven broadcasting network would like to welcome you to an all-new season of white-knuckled cliffhanger action, interspersed with a barrage of good-natured barbs volleyed between urbane educated professionals of various genders. the late-summer hiatus has proved to be just the break needed to rejuvenate the network's harried and underpaid creative team, while similarly allowing the pinstriped fat cat executives to charbroil their sallow dimpled asses in the hamptons sun just long enough to bring on the mild delirium necessary to allow this season's risque line-up.
will we lure once-promising but now thoroughly mediocre film personalities to our network in a vain attempt to salvage the dignity lost by attending the people's choice awards? you bet we will!
will we feature a patronizingly low number of token ethnicities introduced to each show in a clumsy deus ex machina maneuver obvious to even the most clearisil-soaked prepubescent, all in the name of fcc mandates? you bet we will! in fact, say hello to malik huang-tse, our new network mascot!
will we be careful to segment our shows by demographic and structure our advertising rates the same way, assuming that anyone who would voluntarily subject themselves to "urban humor" would never in a million years require the services of an internet stockbroker service or buy a lexus? you bet we will!
will we put together a crack nightly news team consisting of a doddering old white man who is often caught slackjawed on-camera, a youngish woman of either eurasian or mildly latina heritage, a jocular thick-necked sports guy who revels in synonyms for intense physical impact, and a meterologist with an impossibly meterological name like "stormy o'tropicaldepression" who is given to wearing bright sports jackets and chuckling at his co-workers' confusion and incompetence? you bet we will!
so sit back, grab your popcorn, and stay tuned for an all-star lineup of shows like:
those are my chips!, starring joe harvey as the chips of indeterminate ownership,
keep it bangin', pbn's super-doodoo-tough thug sketch comedy show,
hyp-mo-tized, pbn's award-worthy paranormal investigative half-hour featuring the tireless stone-turning of gumshoe wayne knight,
guys? girls? guffaws!, the battle-of-the-sexes sitcom to end all battle-of-the-sexes sitcoms!, and
handle yo' b.i., proven's own weekly roundtable in which he engages minds like richard jeni and holly robinson in an exuhaustive parsing of emergent slang.
pbn. don't say we didn't warn you, fool.
to recap: charbroiled sallow dimpled asses. joe harvey as the chips of indeterminate ownership. thank you.
p.
and yo. my full-on venture kneejerk.net is up and running, though not nearly full. go and getcha read on. for me.
props to darkcounter.com
and sitemeter