june 2 2000
sparky and i are developing a vaudeville act in which a straight guy and a gay guy offend everyone. what follows is a dress rehearsal, edited for continuity and tact. well, not for tact.
UltraSparky: I'm working my way up to organizing a big New York Blog Picnic. As I wrote the other day, it's all about picnics this year.
proven self: oh, no doubt.
proven self: i guess i'll consider myself a blogger if it'll get me into a picnic.
UltraSparky: It's a term I use loosely.
UltraSparky: At best.
UltraSparky: It will be like all the nerdy kids rising up in revolt!
proven self: can we wash our hands in the blood of the proletariat?
proven self: that'd be the coolest.
UltraSparky: I do that every morning, right after I exfoliate.
UltraSparky: Loofah gloves. Proletariat. Rinse. Repeat.
proven self: i'd like to, but proletariat blood dilates my pores.
proven self: and then i look like edward james olmos for the rest of the day.
UltraSparky: Fresh placenta will fix that right up. But it has to be of noble birth.
proven self: see, i used to go to kiehl's for genteel gentile placenta, but they had some problems with their supplier.
proven self: so now i have to use this off-brand crap from duane reade.
UltraSparky: To finish, an earlier thread, I agree that the word "ass" makes any phrase more interesting.
proven self: this ass-brand crap from duane reade
UltraSparky: I know a guy who uses it as a normal interjection.
UltraSparky: "Hey, I got a raise!"
UltraSparky: "Ass!"
proven self: oh, like a statement of joy.
proven self: huh.
proven self: i would use it as "man, i got fired for boning the cleaning lady!"
proven self: "Ass!"
UltraSparky: That would be more vivid, certainly.
proven self: well, if there's anything i like to be, it's vivid.
proven self: i think i'm just trying to make this exchange as raw as possible so i can paste it into my entry a la andrea at girlhero.
proven self: l'homage!
UltraSparky: My fragile ego swoons at the idea.
proven self: you're my new favorite gratuitous link, though. i'm considering putting you in every entry
proven self: using words that have nothing to do with you.
UltraSparky: I'm tempted to start randomly linking to different journals and blogs on any stupid word I use. That way, I can show up up in all the cool kids' referrer logs without pandering to them outright in my entries.
proven self: the cool kids. oh, man. they get so cliquey it hurts my innards.
proven self: i think it's because i'm on the outside looking in.
proven self: *sniff*
proven self: tears of a clown.
UltraSparky: That's why I can never bring myself to write about them. Why should I link to people who already get more loyalty than I do. I need to amass my own mindless drones, god damnit!
proven self: that's what i'm screaming, though.
proven self: more drones for me!
proven self: i need teeming faceless acolytes.
UltraSparky: No faces are good. Faces have valuable orifices.
proven self: yeah, but skullf**king your acolytes tends to alienate them.
proven self: they're unionized now, so it becomes a huge mess.
UltraSparky: You just need to work out a better contract.
proven self: easier said then done. all the best acolytes have "no facial violation" clauses.
proven self: prima donnas.
UltraSparky: I'm negotiatig sexual favors from all my minions, in exchange for Starbucks coffee int he break room.
proven self: the coffee's in the break room, or the favors?
UltraSparky: Both. The free show is part of the deal.
UltraSparky: We keep the break room behind the altar.
proven self: if you can't walk in on some man-to-man lovin' at work, then what hope is there?
UltraSparky: It's AOL that did it. Once all the boiys realized it was like a kozmo.com for blow-jobs, there was no stopping 'em.
proven self: lol
proven self: oh, lord.
proven self: i had heard that.
proven self: cursed women, with all their "standards"...
UltraSparky: I'm sure there are plenty of women who would comply, but again, you should be scared of them.
proven self: there's the rub.
proven self: or the lack thereof.
UltraSparky: Ba dump bump!
proven self: see, shakespeare was made for the sex jokes.
UltraSparky: Shakes was a dirty muthafucka.
proven self: he preferred "shake-dog," i hear.
UltraSparky: Good thing, too, or they'd never get teenagers to read the plays.
proven self: the first time i saw a film version of hamlet, i bugged out.
proven self: like, "that's not what it's like in the PLAY!"
proven self: but lo and behold it was. i was just too stoned during high school to realize it.
UltraSparky: My freshman English teacher made sure to point out all the dirty bits right away. All-boys high school -- he knew the audience he was dealing with.
proven self: always cater to the crowd.
proven self: meanwhile, you just wanted to see the mel gibson version.
proven self: "damn that rhatigan," the teacher would mutter, "with his deviant ways. why can't i get through to him?!"
UltraSparky: Hey, don't go making blanket assumptions, pal. He's too crusty.
UltraSparky: Ethan Hawke is cuter, but I think his version might make my eras bleed.
proven self: well, NOW he is, but back in '91? rowr.
proven self: i don't understand ethan hawke.
proven self: with that "i'm a writer and i'm married to a nervous dalmation" thing.
UltraSparky: It's best not to think about him.
UltraSparky: If he knows that someone, somewhere is thinking about him, it'll surely go to his head.
proven self: i hear he has spies out.
UltraSparky: Good thing I'm safe here in my boinker.
UltraSparky: Bunker.
UltraSparky: Pardon me
proven self: but of course, sigmund.
________________
proven self: you went to regis!
proven self: i know kids from regis
proven self: but they're all 25.
UltraSparky: Indeed I did. Are we about to have our first small-world moment?
proven self: guess not, they were all freshmen the year after you graduated
proven self: damn.
UltraSparky: Throw me some names. You never know.
proven self: [xxx d'xxxx]
proven self: [xxxxx mcxxxx]
proven self: uhhhh, xxxxx o'xxxx, maybe?
proven self: he's like 27, 28
UltraSparky: Don't recognize 'em, but they sure as hell sound like the names of guys who would go to Regis.
UltraSparky: We Regis boys are insidious. We get in all the corridors of power.
proven self: especially you.
UltraSparky: Ba dump bump!
proven self: i'm rimshot man today, i tells ya.
UltraSparky: Don't make promises you don't intend to keep.
proven self: hey! i'm here all week, folks.
UltraSparky: My freshman year of college my dorm window overlooked a giant billboard for "Ellis the Rim Man"
proven self: that's what did it, i bet.
UltraSparky: It was another year or two before I actually realized why it sounded so naughty
proven self: *lightbulb*
UltraSparky: I was so sheltered
proven self: okay, now a friend of mine is IMing me all about that exact thing. she's obsessed with it. when did i become Assman?
UltraSparky: You've opened up Pandora's box and started talking about ass all over the place
proven self: it's a world gone ass-mad.
UltraSparky: Hmmm, maybe that's what I should write about for uber.nu
proven self: and you KNOW this. maaaaan.
proven self: hey, lookit me. i'm chris tucker!
UltraSparky: You kooky high-voiced rascal!
proven self: my eyes can bug out and i have wiry appeal to all races!
UltraSparky: And you make everyone ask, "Is he or isn't he?"
proven self: did you see the fifth element?
proven self: i'm sorry, but my man was mad gay in that.
UltraSparky: Yup. That's the first time I wondered "is he or isn;t he?"
UltraSparky: I don't like to make the call unless I see a guy actually presenting.
proven self: presenting?
UltraSparky: You know, like a gibbon in heat.
proven self: the neon catcher's mitt of love.
UltraSparky: That'd be the one.
UltraSparky: When I was in Brazil a few years ago, I was given a ride home by my friend's cousin and her husband, both of who are devout Baptists.
UltraSparky: Brazilian Baptsists, go figger
proven self: that's the missionary's position.
UltraSparky: Anyway, he was completely fixated on taking the route that went through the area where all the transexual whores hung out on the beach. He was almost leering, but trying to act as if he thought it was all funny ha-ha.
UltraSparky: What's the point in living in Brazil if you're gonna be that repressed?
proven self: the ol' pseudo-ironic-distance-from-porn ploy
UltraSparky: Just like assless chaps, no doubt. I bet he's all freaktastic!
proven self: he is freaky-deaky. with a capital D.
UltraSparky: Aaaaaaaaaaaw yeah
UltraSparky: No one does freaky like us sensitive nancyboys
proven self: he's not a full-on nancy.
proven self: he likes ladies.
UltraSparky: Well, I fully support breeding.
UltraSparky: We need more young boys
UltraSparky: Chicken doesn't grow on trees, after all
proven self: i'm publishing all of this in the john birch society catalog, just so's you know.
UltraSparky: make sure you tell the boy scouts, too.
proven self: oh, they're already onto you.
proven self: like snug khaki shorts on a sweaty scoutmaster.
UltraSparky: I know. I can't beat them off with a stick.
UltraSparky: So to speak.
UltraSparky: Oh my, thank goodness my mother doesn't surf the web that much.
to recap: teeming faceless acolytes. gibbons in heat. thank you.
p.
and yo. my full-on venture kneejerk.net is up and running, though not nearly full. go and getcha read on. for me.
props to darkcounter.com
and sitemeter